Giving the Ego the Compassion and Love it needs to let go of Control

'Awareness is the space between thoughts'

I have been wondering why i have been pondering death during this early stage in my spiritual path.

I think it stems from a couple of places within my psyche.

After many days or possibly months of this constant returning to ponder death, a thought that came to me first of all was that of feeling abandoned.

Abandoned by my parents who died within 18 months of each other when i was 30 years old. I am not sure if i ever really grieved properly. even if i did let it all out I am still left with the feeling of being abandoned with so many things left unsaid and undone.

The fear of being left on my own of being abandoned stretches back to my early childhood memories, thinking my parents arguing was because i was not wanted, that they wanted another girl, that i was not good enough at school, feeling alone.

I understand  now that I was loved and that I was good enough and wanted, it was just my interpretation of events from a child's perspective. Although I understand this about me I still have a way to go before this false belief fades as acknowledge it with compassion, feel the pain of it and let it flow through and out of me

the second and later thought that came to me was that my ego is freaking out. After all this path of openness, acceptance, letting things be just as they are, and knowing that i am good enough just as I am. This path is a serous challenge to my ego. In fact it could be looking at this path i am on as the death of itself and it is doing all it can to stay in control by filling me with fears of the future and regret of the past.

My egoic self is not quite yet understanding that it is loved, that everything is OK, that it can have a rest from its years and years of trying to protect me. That it is PART of me and NOT me.

The me that is behind the thoughts and the egoic mind is gently beginning to be more present. To be able to observe the thoughts and actions of the ego and not be entranced by them.

It is painful at time, as all growth is. It is also joyful as all growth is. In order to heal, we must feel

The future is a song not yet sung. The past is a story that is done